Post by kenaz on Sept 30, 2008 14:30:37 GMT -5
My daughter just e-mailed these to me. I think she is giving me hints ;D
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains
her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."
He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One
night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or
down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your
name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please
tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just
went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
ight had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains
her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."
He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One
night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or
down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your
name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please
tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just
went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
ight had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
